Oblivious
by Artemismoon91904
Summary: It was all Peter's fault. She could've kept on living as she had been, passing off all of the indicators as eccentricities, as geniuses had. Lump everything in with the 'not being handed things' quirk. But they weren't just quirks, and they weren't benign. They had been hurting her and causing problems she didn't even know they were the root of. Good thing Tony is a unisex name.
1. Realization

_It was all Peter's fault. She could've kept on living as she had been, passing off all of the indicators as eccentricities, as geniuses had. Lump everything in with the 'not being handed things' quirk. But they weren't just quirks. And they weren't benign, either. They had been hurting her and causing problems and she didn't even know they were the root. If only fixing those problems hadn't created even more. At least Tony was a unisex name._

 **MtF Trans Tony Stark**

 **Trigger warnings for gender dysphoria, transphobia, internalised transphobia, and anxiety attacks**

 **Notes: -I'm using male pronouns until Tony decides otherwise**

 **-I'm trans but ftm so I'm using my experiences but it's not exact**

* * *

"Anyone seen my earbuds?" Tony moved a couch cushion out of the way with no luck.

"Don't you have an ear piece? Use that," Clint suggested, helpful as ever.

"No, my earbuds have better sound." Tony was getting more frantic in his search.

"Alright, calm down. What's the urgent matter that you desperately need good sound for?" The archer's words were forged from sarcasm.

"I really have to pee," Tony said, like that explained everything.

Steve made a face and looked up from the newspaper he was reading. "Why do you need them to pee?"

"Yeah, Mr. Stark, that's kind of weird..." Peter chimed in. Even though he was new to the tower, he had no problem making himself known. It got a lot easier for him to act normally after the first few days of his relentless vlogging and fanboying.

Tony shot him a look nonetheless and the boy shrugged as if in surrender in response.

"As a distraction. You know how- Ah! Found them. Who put them in the planter?"

Natasha sipped her tea loudly as a confession, her smirk visible in her eyes even before she removed the cup. "Go on. 'You know how...?'"

He barely spared her a glare before refocusing his attention on untangling them. "You know how it's just completely inexplicably terrible to pay attention to your own penis?"

Steve choked.

Natasha nodded in sincere understanding. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

"So good music with the best sound you've ever experienced is a distraction," Tony finished.

"Weirdo," Clint commentated.

"Uh, Mr. Stark." Tony kind of hated how Peter called him that, but if he wanted to bug him with unnecessary formalities, so be it. "Sorry, but that actually sounds kind of like, uh, gender dysphoria?"

He was about to be offended, but was too legitimately taken aback. "Yeah, whatever, kid." He plugged his earbuds in and quickly made his way to the bathroom. His thoughts ended up being distracting enough.

* * *

He stared at himself in the mirror for hours that night. He hadn't always been the most pleased with how he looked, but was definitely able to act like he was. He was never sure what exactly he disliked, but it was almost stronger than a simple _I'm not the most attractive person which kind of sucks_ feeling. It was more like _I feel like I need to rip my whole face off and cry._ He placed it under a self loathing category. Now, thanks to Peter's damn comment, he was reevaluating. And he kept looking at his beard.

He had decided on it around the time he took over for his father at the company. He was young and wanted to look older to gain respect. Naturally, that was the easiest way. It became iconic before he could even decide if he liked it, and was just as recognizable as his last name when he had decided he hated it. He wanted to rip it off the most. But he wouldn't. That would almost be worse than deciding that his weapons company wouldn't manufacture weapons anymore.

He couldn't stand to see himself with his shirt off. More recently, he had passed it off to himself as having started after Afghanistan. The arc reactor disturbed him. That was why. It must have been. Only now, really searching for evidence, did he realize that this was not a new thing at all. It wasn't the arc reactor or PTSD or any of that, because he remembered only then his first anxiety attack ever. It was over his chest, and while he was still in college. He didn't know what to make of himself after unlocking that memory, so deeply buried that it had been vividly preserved. So he moved on.

His mind drifted, on the topic of the arc reactor, to the Iron Man suit. More specifically, the name. It got on his nerves until it became insignificant from overuse. It wasn't made of iron. That's what annoyed him. Surely. No mystery there. Scientific inaccuracies always got to him, and this one only pulled at his insides because the suit was him.

Iron Man. No thank you. How about Gold-Titanium Man? That change gave him no relief. _That's because it's long and awkward,_ he excused despite the burning truth in the back of his mind.

The thoughts took longer than it seemed they had and exhausted him. He slept fitfully.

* * *

After that, the business of life saved him from having to acknowledge his doubts. Long forgotten memories continued to pop up whenever he let his mind near the subject, and every one of them supported his fears. He hated it. He hated himself for even considering... _that._ Not that he was judgmental towards others for it, but it certainly did not apply for him.

His lowest times only seemed to happen when he was alone in his room at night. It had been a long, quiet day, and as much as he had tried to keep himself occupied with suit repairs and updates, he couldn't shake the incessant sick thoughts that plagued his imagination. He had to confront them and hopefully flush them out.

Laying on top of his sheets, his body shook with a breath. Some intense feeling of discomfort wrapped his organs and brought him to a point of nausea, almost a point where he was willing to accept _that_ instead of continue feeling this way. His conscious and unconscious felt at war. He couldn't concentrate on either side for long enough to make any sane judgement about what either argument was. Before he knew it he was crying. Confusion described as a swirling head had never felt so real.

He broke.

"Jarvis, can you refer to me as a female until I tell you otherwise?" Saying it out loud made him feel equally uncomfortable as it did relieved.

"Yes, ma'am. Anything else?" The AI's voice was soothing. Some of the war in Tony's head immediately calmed down, as much as that boded unpleasantly.

"No, that's all. Thanks, Jar."

"My pleasure, Ms. Stark."

She let out a breath and smiled, forgetting for a moment that this was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to her and enjoying the relief of psychological peace before having to face the reality in the morning.


	2. Bi The Way

_Howard pulled the necklace on Tony's neck so hard it broke off. "You are my SON, and you will act like it." His words were coated in a poison-like hatred. "I won't have you parading yourself around like this. Ruining my name. The family's name. You should be ashamed."_

 _And Tony was. Standing there, exposed, only seven years old but having enjoyed every second of raiding his mom's makeup and closet. Now having been caught, the enjoyment and fulfillment had been twisted into a choking sensation._

 _"I'm sorry." A voice smaller than the child._

 _"No you're not," Howard sneered. "And you won't be unless I punish you properly." The man slid off his belt._

* * *

Tony had been plagued by nightmares and flashbacks for months. Tonight's was the most damning yet. It was relentlessly detailed, vivid. And she found herself unable to wake up.

Sometimes the nightmares seemed better than real life. In the nightmares, she only had to deal with one horror at a time. In waking, all of them were piled onto her conscience, replaying and eating further and further into her sanity. She could've gone the rest of her life without this. And yet... here it was, ripping life apart piece by piece.

"Good morning, Ms. Stark." The AI's voice startled her despite it's calming tone.

"Yeah." She had grown to hate her voice just as much as the rest of herself. The feelings of wrongness only grew as she paid more attention to them. It was a self perpetuating cycle, and completely inescapable after the spiral had started. Even with it having been almost a year since Peter's wretched comment, and thousands of google searches and online quizzes later, Tony still hadn't mentioned anything to the rest of the Avengers. Or to anyone, for that matter. She was still plagued by shame, and too full of self-hatred to believe that someone else could do any less than despise her.

The nightmare left a stinging sensation even after she had woken up. That remnant was something of a final straw. Upon waking up she immediately went to the bathroom, grabbed a razor, and made the first stroke without even looking. The sense of fear momentarily overpowered the relief. What would people say? What would they think that they weren't saying? Screw it. She paid attention for the rest of it, careful not to cut herself, and stopped only once her face was completely clean. It was less painful to look at now, though not perfect, still with masculine edges. A great improvement nonetheless. She sighed deeply and put the razor down. How was she going to explain this?

Arriving in the kitchen for breakfast the next morning brought the questioning stares she had anticipated.

Before anyone could voice the question of what the hell and why the hell, she sighed and delivered her lie. "Accident in the lab, singed off most of it so I thought it'd be better to start back again from scratch."

There seemed to be a mutually agreed upon hum of 'yeah, that seems like a Tony thing to do' as everyone got back to their morning activities.

"You didn't burn your skin or anything, did you?" Peter was the only one to actually seem worried, probably because he wasn't used to superhero style of ignoring injuries and celebrating the lack thereof.

"Nah, put it out fast enough." She remained as casual as she could as Peter's look intensified. He had been the one to call out her gender dysphoria, and no doubt he still had that in the back of his mind. He was the main person she needed to be careful around. She couldn't have anyone figuring this out. She would be ruined.

Tony took what was left over of the coffee from the machine and made it sweeter than she normally would, partially to counteract the depression... and Peter's incessant stare. She had to get him off her scent before he ruined everything. A distraction, maybe.

She placed herself in the chair nearest to the centre of the room as she could find. The room was quiet despite all of the tower inhabitants being present, as it normally was in the mornings before everyone was ready to fully deal with each other. She sipped her delightfully sweet coffee before loudly clearing her throat, drawing the attention of most of the room.

"I have sort of an unrelated announcement." Peter visibly lit up at this. Yep, he was definitely onto her. Hopefully this would be off-putting, make her think she was on the wrong track all along.

Tony had never been uncomfortable with her sexuality; Howard had died before he got the chance to make her feel bad about it. Before she recognised that she _really_ liked men as well, at least. That confidence outweighed any possible nerves that might come from sitting in front an audience of Avengers. She couldn't help but subconsciously channel this confidence into the idea of coming out about what she was really nervous about. Why would that be any different than this? Because it was completely different is why. 'I want to kiss a man' and 'I'm a woman' were completely different things, and even if they were all fine with homosexuality or bisexuality or any other orientation, that didn't at all translate to them being okay with the t part of lgbt, as sadly so many people weren't. Aside from that, telling them made it real. And what if she was wrong? Lying to herself and then them as well? How would she ever live that down, such a big mistake? Calling it 'coming out' made it sound like she had already determined without a doubt that she was transgender, and was only telling others what she already knew for herself. It wasn't like that at all, so was it really coming out? If she decided to tell anyone, that is. No... no it wasn't. It was more like letting them in on the weird little things she did in private to soothe some strange anxieties she had, like talking in a higher voice, having Jarvis address her as ma'am, shaving. It wasn't at all appropriate to tell them those weird little things, let alone the rest of the world. So, no, coming out as bi would have to do for now. Just a distraction... not a supplement for what she really wanted to do or a test of their general reactions. It's only purpose was to distract Peter. Throw him off. And that's what she would do.

"What is it you wish to tell us, Anthony?" Thor always called her that. She hated it. It made her heart feel like it was shivering, in a weird way, and it was so wrong. As unisex as the name Tony was, Anthony was not. And who ever told him that was her full name anyway?

"Just that I'm bi." She shrugged. "No real reason for the timing."

"Not surprised." Natasha turned back to her tea, disappointed probably in having already guessed this long ago and not receiving any new information.

"That's cool, Mr. Stark, me too!" Peter smiled over at her, probably looking for a reaction to the Mr. Well Tony wouldn't give him one, as much as her bones felt like they were being stuck with massive needles. She grinned in approval and was thankful not to have to find a response because of another reaction to her coming out coming in.

"Uh, sorry, what's bi?" Of course it would be Rogers to ask this. Tony couldn't blame him.

"So, you know how straight is liking people of the opposite sex and gay is liking people of the same sex?" Steve nodded, good. "Well bi - bisexual - is liking both."

He blinked, somewhat surprised. "You can like both?"

"Yup. Welcome to the future, Gramps."

Suddenly, Steve's eyes were directed to the floor, unfocused and slightly startled. Tony guessed he was reconsidering all of the men he had had crushes on. Hopefully one of them wasn't her father.

It struck her just then that she had done to Steve what Peter had done to her. She immediately felt guilty, making him question things like that. Before she could soothe him, or at least try, a heavy hand was patting her back. She was jerked forward, spilling some coffee. Thor didn't seem to notice.

"I admire that you feel comfortable enough with us to tell us. Thank you, friend, and know that I will not think any differently of you for this." He smiled brightly with such sincere light in his eyes that Tony felt almost sure he had done this before, and more sure that he was absolutely sincere. "And might I say," Thor broke Tony from her thoughts again. "You look dashing with and without your beard."

"Hmm, thanks. Maybe I'll see what happens without it for a while." Boy was she grateful for an excuse to stay clean-shaven.

"So," Clint spoke up, "Which one of us were you testing with that?"

"You don't believe me?" Tony challenged.

"Oh, no, I do. I'm just questioning your intentions. Trying to weed out homophobes or find more bis?"

"Hm, let's go with both. I usually go with both anyway." She smirked. First bi joke, check. Clint rolled his eyes but Peter snorted.

"I don't think any of us are homophobic," Bruce said in this weird half-quiet way of talking, though he scanned the room for reactions at the claim anyway.

Tony shrugged. "You never know."

"Are you gonna tell Miss Potts?" Peter asked innocently. Tony still had the feeling he was hinting at things, but that might just have been her paranoia this whole time.

"She already knows. It's not a big deal, anyway. We're not really together anymore." It hadn't been completely official, but their relationship had definitely ended. Tony couldn't exactly be upset about that in her current situation now. It was better she wasn't making Pepper have to deal with her thinking she was a girl.

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't worry about it, it was a while ago and pretty mutual." She took some time to drink her coffee, needing the caffeine but also the sweet taste, even though usually she preferred it black and bitter.

"So, just to clarify," Steve rejoined the waking world from his deep thoughts. "You can be gay, straight, or bi?"

Peter bounced over to the captain, nodding enthusiastically. "Mhmm, and a whole bunch of other things, too, like pan, cetero, poly, and then there's the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, so like aro ace or biro pan or panro ace."

Steve blinked at Peter like he was speaking a strange foreign language, and Tony couldn't blame him. She hadn't done an excessive amount of research on these things like Peter seemed to have.

"And there's also the different genders, not even just ftm or mtf trans, but stuff outside and in between." Peter, Tony decided, was the resident LGBTQ+ expert.

Steve held his head like thinking about this was actually giving him a headache, and Tony couldn't blame him. She hadn't even known there were so many variations of gender. Of course she knew that there are people who use they/them pronouns - she had met a few fans where that was the case - but she wasn't sure how those identities worked.

"Can you slow down, explain a bit?" Steve, apparently over his brief headache, sat at pseudo-attention looking ready to learn.

Peter nodded and took a breath of terrifying magnitude.


	3. Someone Like Me

"I _think_ that's it. I'm not an expert though," Peter finally finished and it sure did sound like he was an expert. From what Tony could tell, the general reaction was more in awe at how diverse society was rather than transphobic, which was extremely comforting, but not enough.

"Spiderling, I believe you've missed one," Thor declared after seeming to have thought it through.

"I'm sure I missed more than one. Like I said, I'm not an expert. Your turn to educate me- go ahead." Peter seemed all too happy to admit his faults.

"I'm not sure the name for it, but Loki-" and then the Asgardian pulled out his oh-so-sad flip phone and started desperately trying to use the small buttons. It was pathetic, honestly. After looking at something, he seemed to deem it safe to continue. "My sister's gender changes, though she is usually as you know her, in male form."

Tony almost choked at how easily Thor switched over to using feminine pronouns for Loki. Her heart started beating way too fast, either with the possibilities this held for herself or the anxiety from hearing about Loki.

Apparently she did actually choke, because eyes were drawn to her.

"Everything alright?" Bruce asked, voice laced with worry.

"You _text_ Loki!? Even after she's tried to kill us all and take over the world _more than once!?_ " Those were also thoughts of Tony's, and high-quality excuses to pass off her reaction.

"Well, yes. Family is family, no matter how many times you stab one another." He smiled fondly as though recalling all of the wonderful times he and Loki had stabbed each other.

"Alright, fine, but still, why didn't you tell us this? How long have you had her number? Where is she? How does that even work? Where does she get reception? _And why is your phone so goddamn old?_ " Needless to say, Tony was kind of shook.

"Before answering your questions I must first thank you for using the correct pronouns."

"Of course." Tony accidentally sounded way more sincere than she meant to in that moment. But oh well.

"We have a deal that goes unbroken by either of us. As traitorous as Loki is, she has never attempted to break this one unspoken rule. We only communicate for purposes unrelated to important matters, such as status or whereabouts or war plans... but whenever it changes, she makes sure I'm aware of her gender since I am the only one she knows of to have respected her identity. I suppose as much as she hates everything else about me and our family, she cannot risk losing that little bit of acceptance."

Tony's heart hurt a little, and it wasn't from the arc reactor scar. "That must be painful."

Thor nodded grimly. "You know not much of her past. You might find yourself less hostile towards my sister if you did as I do."

"It's called genderfluid, by the way," Peter chimed in, trying to turn the mood away from the dark hole it was going down.

"Is it against your rules to invite her over?"

Everyone stared at Tony like she'd grown a second head and turned blue.

"You seriously want to invite _Loki_ to the tower? On purpose?" Natasha gave Tony her best 'what the hell is wrong with you' look, which was quite impressive.

"I don't care what gender she is, I don't want Loki anywhere near me, so if you do somehow go through with this, I'm leaving," Clint made his reasonable opinion very clear. It made sense. If you get your mind hijacked by a villain once, you don't really want to chance it again.

"The rules are undiscussed, but I suppose it would fit within the guidelines of what is writ if we don't try to kill each other and discuss nothing of the Avengers or other plans?"

Tony knew it was a bad idea, generally, to invite someone who actually wanted to murder you into your home. But hearing that Loki was like her, that there was _someone just within her reach_ who could understand... that was too good of an opportunity to pass up. So did she plan on getting Loki alone and talking to her about it? Yes. Was being alone and unarmed with Loki one of the worst decisions she was likely ever to make? Also yes. But still.

"I can give her a call?" Thor suggested. Tony figured calling was more his speed because he couldn't get the typing thing down.

"Would you?" Tony sat down again and stirred her now lukewarm coffee. Would Peter please ust stop staring at her? UHhhhHHHhhhh. Even when he finally did look away, she still didn't look at him. She only watched Thor, who was carefully pressing the call button. Tony timed about two rings before Thor grinned.

"SISTER!" He yelled into the phone at his ear. "I would so love to see you again."

There was a pause while Loki spoke.

"I am not the one with the tricks, Loki, you mistake me for yourself."

More silence, and Tony could assume that Loki was using the phone at a normal volume, unlike Thor who felt he needed to be loud enough for Loki to hear him without the phone.

"We were discussing the complexities of gender, and I mentioned you-"

Now Tony could hear a small voice coming through from the other end. Probably yelling. Tony wouldn't be happy if someone outed her to her enemies either, to be fair.

"Please, there is no call for alarm. The Man of Iron-" ouch "-was especially intrigued and requested my inviting you over for purposes far beyond any other meeting of yours."

Silence.

"I'm sure he-" ouch "-is just as aware as you are of the circumstances around your previous meetings, and it is a show of trust that despite this, he-" OW "-still wishes to speak with you with regard to an unrelated topic. Do you accept?"

Brief silence.

"Excellent!"

Clint left the room.

"We shall see you in one hour then. It fills me with such joy to imagine a friendly meeting with you as we have not seen since our chi- Loki? Hello? Oh." Thor lowered the phone from his ear. "Loki shall be arriving in one hour, no armour or weapons, she claims, though I suspect she would not allow herself anywhere completely unarmed for the purpose of defense."

"That's fair. I'll probably have a gun or something on me too." Tony nodded.

"I have a pistol in my bra right now." Natasha sipped her tea like her previous statement was nothing out of the ordinary. Tony's eyes were drawn to her chest at that, at first looking for a sign of the hidden weapon, then looking at them like she hadn't before. Instead of desirable in the sense of sexual appeal, Tony saw them as desirable to _have._ It was strange, but she could almost feel the lack of weight on her chest in that moment.

"Hey." Natasha snapped, drawing Tony's attention away. "Eyes up here."

"I was trying to see the pistol," Tony quickly defended.

"Sure you were."

She had never really felt embarrassed for gawking before, mostly because she was too classy to do something like that. But if she just couldn't keep her eyes away, she never lied about it if that's what she was doing. No honour in a liar. But now she blushed ever so slightly for having been caught wanting breasts. Not that Nat would be able to tell that's what she was thinking, but having been caught in these ideas was far worse than being caught mentally undressing someone.

Only an hour until Loki. Tony felt the strong, horrible urge to dress up in some dress she had bought for Pepper but never ended up giving her. She didn't.


	4. Miss Loki

**Oops. Sorry for the long wait. Enjoy some Lady Loki for compensation.** **Well, it's not actually Lady Loki since Lady Loki in the comics is technically when she took and used Sif's body for a long time and that's when she was super feminine and a girl 100% of the time. So.. just female Loki. She's the one I'm using for this because Lady Loki is a little overwhelming and not really MCU Loki's style. Google images for "genderfluid Loki" and she comes up. Isn't she gorgeous?**

* * *

Peter was probably the most outwardly excited of everyone to have Loki coming over. He'd never met her and was anxious to in a scenario where he would more likely be safe from murder than any other time. Tony really hoped Peter didn't drag Loki away and ruin her master plan of... what, exactly? She really hadn't thought this through. She had just been so desperate to see someone else who was like her existing that she had rushed and made this dangerous plan, and now she was disengaging all of JARVIS's automatic defensive programming against Loki. And updating her gender in the computer. Tony had a feeling that with Loki more than anyone else, misgendering her might actually mean the end of the world. She was kind of glad Clint wouldn't be here. He would no doubt try to screw everything up.

T-5 minutes to Loki and Tony had made it 5 degrees cooler throughout the tower on the account that Loki was a frost giant and would probably prefer the cold. Not to mention her cold heart, but that was a different issue. She figured the goddess would be much more pleasant to deal with if she was comfortable, so Tony would do everything in her power (and she had quite some power) to make it that way for her.

It was unspoken, but everyone expected a big entrance. Maybe an entourage or trumpeters and dragons, or at the very least personal fireworks. Only, none of that happened. One minute they were milling around the commons, Peter bugging Thor about Loki stories, Natasha stashing more weapons around the room, Bruce making buckets of chamomile tea for himself, and Tony trying to fix the systems. The next, there was one ore person in the room, sitting on Tony's sofa with her legs crossed at the knees and sipping her own tea from a mug that did not come from the tower. Tony jumped and wondered how she hadn't noticed, and how long Loki had been there. The goddess barely reacted, and suddenly Tony wondered if she was an illusion.

Natasha noticed her even from where she was across the room and smoothly finished with her weapon concealment.

The thing that startled Tony as she stared was that this definitely _looked like Loki_. She knew it was, but as a shapeshifter, weren't there bound to be differences? Things Loki herself had made up to better suit her in whatever form she chose? It didn't look like that. It was so authentic, like she'd always been this way, and Tony was violently jealous. Only magic could do something like this, and she had was a lab, trillions of dollars, and dumb science.

Loki turned around with one arm draped over the back of the sofa and looked at Tony. She was even dressed like Loki, but not in the same clothes, just... Loki-ish clothes. Green and black, but a little tighter, and more straps. Instead of a full outfit, there was a long coat- maybe a cape- with large shoulders that somehow didn't take away from her femininity at all. The dark lipstick probably helped with that, though, and the black nail polish. Tony wasn't just jealous of how she looked, but how confidently she wore it.

The first thing she did when she saw Tony was drop her Holier-Than-Thou pretense and snort while stifling a laugh. Tony looked around to find what was funny while Peter's attention was finally drawn.

"What happened to your face?!" Her voice was lower than Tony had expected, somehow, maybe even the same pitch as it always had been. But like everything else about her, there was nothing mistakably masculine about it.

"My-?" She felt her face and remembered that little freak out in which shed completely shaved. Loki raised an eyebrow at her expectantly. "Lab accident." She dropped her hand and her resolve hardened. It was difficult to listen to her low, obviously male voice speak, especially in comparison to Loki's. "What happened to yours?"

She smirked subtly and her eyes flashed with amusement. "What, don't like it?"

Peter finally found whatever he'd needed in himself to stop his bouncing on the spot and scamper over to where she was sitting.

"Miss Loki! Hi!"

She gave him a wary and intentionally mildly disgusted look and cringed away from him. "What are you?" She sneered, but Peter's smile never failed.

"I'm Peter, and you're way prettier than I thought you would be."

She squinted at him, unsure of how to take that.

"I mean you're really pretty."

She continued looking at him for a few seconds before taking a breath. "Right, I think I'm done here."

"Wait!" Tony called almost desperately. A room full of curious eyes turned to her.


End file.
